Two Sides to Every Story

When Kindness is Not the Appropriate Response

Photo by A A on Unsplash

Thirty-something years ago, my first husband and I moved into a newly renovated but extremely old, expansive house on a fairly large piece of land. There were barns and outbuildings, and another much smaller house on the property with no heat or plumbing. We were never that prosperous to have been able to purchase a home of this magnitude, but I had been able to manifest the ability to rent there, despite our history of financial struggles.

At that time we were deeply entrenched in our religious beliefs, and had sent our daughter to a Christian-based private school. One day we noticed the father of two of the children waiting alongside us for school to be dismissed. He made his way over to us and we began to chat.

He revealed that they had recently been displaced from their home and the four of them were living in their car.

Overcome with compassion, we kindly suggested they sleep in the smaller house on our property for a couple of weeks until they found another place to stay. We made it clear that the house was not livable, that this was just better than the four of them living in their car. They would need to use our facilities since there was no heat or plumbing. At this time, the weather was pleasant. It was spring, and school would soon be dismissed for the summer.

Ecstatic at our kindness, this man, his wife, and their two children soon occupied this undoubtedly unlivable and probably illegal small house, for what we assumed would be a couple of weeks.

What we did not anticipate was the difficulty we had after that. We soon realized that they were not going to take any initiative to find another place to live. They ate our food, used our water and our electric, and refused to compensate us in any way. I suggested maybe they mow the grass, or help with groceries. This never occurred. There was evidence that they were using our bedroom while we were at work.

Around the same time, another family at church were living in their camper, at a nearby campground, and had outlived their ability to stay there. They had a home in another town close by, but had been staying in the camper. They asked if they could park their camper in our driveway for a couple of weeks. We agreed, not realizing that they intended to live in their camper while it was parked in our driveway.

They too had children.

We soon found that we were the sole providers for three families, none of whom were compensating us or buying food. Our electric bill was astronomical, and our grocery bill was unbelievable. During some point I resorted to only having hot dogs in the house to eat, thinking that someone would take the initiative to buy food, but the only thing I got were complaints about the daily diet of hot dogs.

I can’t remember how long the camping trailer family stayed, but they eventually moved on. The homeless family, on the other hand, dug in their heels and refused to leave. The husband claimed he could work on the house and make it habitable. He suggested that he do the work on the house in exchange for rent. At first, we agreed, but then, after some investigation, we discovered that due to lack of use, all the pipes leaked, and the whole plumbing system would have to be replaced. Neither of us had the funds to do that.

After a considerable amount of effort on our part being loving, supporting and helpful, we gave them a two week notice and asked them to immediately make other arrangements.

This family then proceeded to move in with the family who had spent the summer in the camper at our home, at their permanent home, and go to the pastor of the church we all attended to object to our eviction.

One day, soon after we had evicted them, the pastor of the church showed up at our house and demanded to know what we were thinking and why we had treated this family so shamefully.

He proposed that Jesus had given us this home as an opportunity to obey his commands to house the homeless and feed the hungry. He suggested that we had disobeyed God by evicting this family so suddenly and without warning.

Let me propose what could have transpired in an alternate scenario.

The family we allowed to live in the unlivable home took steps to empower themselves. They both had jobs, so they compensated us for food and a bit for the other expenses. They helped maintain the property by assisting with the mowing. Eventually they either fixed the unlivable house or they found a home that was in their budget.

But this is not what happened.

If this would have occurred, we would not have been forced to kick them out and ensue the wrath of our pastor, who, by the way, had no homeless people living in his home.

We were already financially strapped before all of this had occurred. Although we believed in miracles and truly thought that somehow God was going to provide a way for us to purchase that property, we eventually also had to move.

Many of you who are kind souls probably also have similar tales of woe with many personal stories of the battle between being kind and requiring some personal responsibility.

I have struggled personally with the balance between offering my gifts free of charge and requiring some sort of payment or compensation. I often assign homework to my clients after a healing session. Collectively, I am sure you can all find similarities between my story and the dilemma we face as a nation of the consequences for blanket benevolence. If you follow me at all, you know that I rarely share any political opinions, because I understand that there are two sides to every argument, and I try to side with the law of love, and remain politically neutral to the best of my ability, although I will share opinions with a small group of trusted friends.

When I asked Spirit to give me some insight, due to a not-so-well-received post on social media recently, two things occurred.

The first thing that occurred was that I read a post by a Buddhist who calls himself Timber Hawkeye and has written a book called “Buddhist Bootcamp” and has a Facebook page by the same name. I don’t think his post was directly about social programs, or the current political climate, but it was about the need to set boundaries. Love is not love when it begins to get out of balance. He said that when you agree to accept less than what has been originally agreed upon, what you are accepting is the new reality. If you have a tenant whose rent is $1000 a month, and after a few months they decide to pay you $500 instead, and you cash the check, you are essentially agreeing to the new amount.

Then Spirit reminded me of this story from my past.

I realized that yes, we are our brother’s keeper. We need to reach out our hands of kindness to others who are going through difficulty. But when you agree to do this to your own detriment, this becomes out of balance eventually.

In the history of the energy healing modality of Reiki, there is a story about Master Usui, after he first realized he could bring healing through his hands to others. Whether this story is true or myth is debated, but I will share anyway, because it relates to the struggle between being kind and how it is often not well-received.

He had gone into a poverty-stricken area and offered healing to those who were beggars, free of charge of course, so that they could rejoin society and become self-reliant, rather than dependent on others for their sustenance. He then left the area and moved on. After some months he returned, and to his dismay, found the very same individuals he had healed, once again begging. He learned that they had discovered that it was much easier to beg than to become productive members of society. Master Usui learned that when kindness or healing is offered with no requirement for personal responsibility or compensation for the gift, the recipients often return to their previous lifestyle or situation. After this, it is said that Master Usui was a bit more choosy in who he offered the gift of healing to, and often required payment for the healing, so that the recipient was invested in their own healing.

I believe there has to be some middle ground when we approach the subject of social benevolence through government programs, in the same way that it is important to set boundaries when you are reaching out your hands of kindness to others who are struggling.

To those who are becoming productive members of society, and contributing to the well-being of themselves and others, then maybe some leniency in consideration for their integrity is called for. If they are sick, or for some reason unable to participate in their own well-being, then maybe some assistance is in order depending on their individual situation.

My first marriage dissolved for a couple of reasons. On the one hand, our spiritual beliefs began to go in opposite directions. I began to realize that my needs mattered and it was not my job to single-handedly hold our lives together by working my fingers to the bone while he spent every penny I earned while sitting on the couch or having fun.

Twenty-something years later, I have learned that my needs matter, too, and that I am not required to be kind to my own detriment.

I have now been happily remarried for 22 years to a wonderful kind man. I have a habit of preparing his coffee in the morning.

One day he said that he was a big boy and could make his own coffee. He did not expect me to do it.

I told him that the day he began to expect me to make his coffee for him was the last day I would ever do it.

There is value in appreciation, feeling like your acts of kindness are given to those who are trying their best to make a better life for themselves and others, or sharing in life’s responsibilities. It is less satisfying when the recipients to your kindness begin to expect you to rescue them, or even resent you for your ability to help in the first place.

For those who are taking advantage of our kindness, or expecting to be rescued or taken care of, maybe there needs to be some accountability. For those who are attempting to make a better life for themselves and living lives that are law-abiding and respectful, maybe they should be recipients of our benevolence.

For those who are self-serving, committing crimes, power-grabbing and lack any conscience or empathy for others, there needs to be checks and balances to keep them within the laws of decency.

And at some point, maybe we have to say, I don’t have any more ability to assist. You need to do something for yourself.

How does this relate spiritually to our lives?

Sometimes we have been culturally conditioned to believe that we have to set aside our own well-being for everyone else.

I propose that this is not the case.

Balance is called for here.

We have to agree to love others unconditionally while at the same time, creating boundaries which feel good to us.

The bottom line is that most of us find ourselves divided into one of two sides in an argument. There is benefit in looking at situations from multiple perspectives and realizing that you may be wrong, or that there may be another side to the story.

I have long since lost contact with the homeless family who lived at our home for several months thirty-something years ago. Perhaps they have a different perspective to what occurred and would share another side to the story of how that scenario played out for them.

The truth is, there is no black and white perspectives. We are all various shades of color in between.

All of us have amazing and wonderful qualities that reflect the truth that we are all aspects of Divine Energy. And we all have character traits that are less than admirable, or that cause us to be rejected as “evil” or “dark.”

My purpose here is not to divide. It is to offer the suggestion that perhaps both sides are right, and both sides are wrong, to some degree.

Let us consider the idea that we are all doing the best we can, given our own state of awareness and the evolution of our souls.

Let us all love one another: the ones we agree with and the ones we don’t.

Rather than demonize the other side, let us engage in a conversation, without malice, anger or retaliation.

The ability to engage in a conversation with someone you disagree with is called being an adult.

Here is a truth to reflect upon.

We are all creators of our own stories. As I shared in a previous post, we are sometimes the victim, sometimes the perpetrator, and sometimes the hero. When we realize that we can change the narrative, and direct our own stories, we are no longer tempted to blame someone else, be it individual or government, for our problems. We will begin to stand up and own our lives. We may need to change the way we are living our lives in some way. Perhaps we will find it necessary to move or to get a new job. But the government is not in charge of our personal state of well-being.

Rather than blame the government because we have to pay $10 for a loaf of bread, let us expect that we are abundant enough to either be able to pay that for bread or find something else to eat. Let us expect that the Universe is conspiring in our favor, and if things get really bad, that we will be taken care of, one way or another.

I would rather own my own sense of well-being than to blame someone else because I am suffering.

I am not saying we should not stand up to injustice. But we do so with a spirit of love, not anger, fear, or retaliation.

In centuries past, we did not have enough spiritual awareness to know that we can create our own reality. Suffering has happened throughout history. People have been victims of horrendous acts of violence and unspeakable crimes. A few people at a very few moments in time realized that they did not have to surrender to the idea of powerlessness, and became spokespersons for freedom and empowerment.

I would rather die believing in the goodness of the universe than to die feeling a victim to circumstances beyond my control, doing nothing to make my life or the lives of others better.

Let us shift our thinking just a bit. Let us believe that in the end, people are basically good, despite evidence to the contrary. Sometimes we need to assist them and sometimes we need to say no. Let us not judge one another for the times when we do one thing or the other.

Let us be beacons of Divine Light and Love, and assist others when it feels good to do so and do not apologize when it ceases to feel good.

There is always another side to the story.

As always, I appreciate you! Thank you for reading and considering a perspective that you may have already thought of, or perhaps had not considered. Let us agree to have different perspectives and opinions but still love one another.

I would like to invite you to like, share, and consider subscribing, with either a free or paid subscription. I have ideas for future benefits of being a paid subscriber, but right now, the benefit is that you are supporting the writings of someone who has offered you a glimpse into another way of seeing life, or perhaps assisted you in healing or expanding your consciousness in a small or significant way. Either way, I offer you my gift of hearing Spirit and putting what I receive into words.