The Right to Be Here

Reversing a Death Wish

There is almost nothing more difficult to resolve than a nagging feeling inside yourself that you don’t have the right to be here. By here, I mean living life in a human experience: getting up every morning, getting to see a new day dawn, breathing air, eating good food, stepping your bare feet out onto the dew-dripped grass.

This deep-set belief could be the result of an unfortunate event which resulted in the death of a loved one, and even worse if the death is a result of your own personal behavior or actions.

It could be that a loved one passed, and even though their passing is not directly a result of your own actions or inactions, you still feel a nagging sense of guilt. Maybe you could have done something different. Maybe your last words to that person were difficult. Maybe…maybe.

Even if you harbor no feelings of guilt over the passing of a loved one, it could be that someone left your life, either through death or, just as painful, through a parting of the ways, and you just have not felt like yourself since.

It is possible that religious indoctrination has left you feeling guilty for being here.

Perhaps you can’t really even put your finger on why you don’t feel like you should have the right to be alive and enjoying your life.

Recently, in a session with a client, together we uncovered the difficult truth that she was conceived from an act of violence. Her conception was the result of a wound to her mother’s soul. Every time her mother looked at her, she was reminded of that moment. Although my client had no knowledge of this truth as a child, she always felt unloved and unwanted by her mother, while her sister enjoyed all the accolades of love and acceptance she had been deprived of. She knew the story of her mother and her father was stoked in secrecy. Her mother was fourteen and her father much older.

She always felt like she was not meant or “supposed” to be alive, but had no idea of the violence that created her in the first place.

Another client was born despite an attempted abortion.

When I was very young, I had a nagging feeling that there had been some mistake. I was named “Joy” because of the joy of my birth, according to my dad, and my uncle. My parents had been attempting to conceive for some time, but there were some complications. But I seemed to have been born with a cloud over my head.

In the sixties when I was born, it was the habit of the medical profession to put the mothers to sleep in order to birth the babies. So, I was born while my mother was unconscious. The first person to touch me was probably a nurse or a doctor. I was whisked away and probably placed in some sort of container in a room with a bunch of other babies, until, hours later, I was placed into my mother’s arms.

Babies born to mothers with post-partum depression, or possibly some sort of medical emergency, or in births that are less than loving and accepting, may experience feelings of guilt for being alive. They have no idea why their mothers are not around or don’t want them.

It may be becoming clear to you now that there are probably multitudes of souls who are born feeling unwanted and feeling a sense of guilt for being alive. This adds to the people who feel guilt for something that has happened since they became old enough to make bad decisions or take regrettable risks that created some kind of misfortune.

The emotions that get stuck inside our bodies as a result of these experiences are as varied as our individual unique fingerprints.

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There is also the possibility that these feelings come from some other place in space and time.

Perhaps some unfortunate event happened to an ancestor, and we somehow inherited this sense of regret for being alive.

For those of us who are energetically sensitive, and feel other people’s emotions, these feelings could be someone else’s! They aren’t even ours.

If our soul is indeed eternal, and we live lives outside of this particular body in this particular moment in time and space, perhaps something happened outside of this existence which conceived this notion that we would be better off if we were not here.

As you can see, the possibilities are endless, and maybe a bit complicated. But we can heal!

There are a number of ways to reverse a death wish energetically.

When I see clients in a private session, I am able to delve into their energy field and uncover some of the roots that may have created this deep wound of existence.

Normally, I will see where the wound is lodged in their energy body and begin to do what is sometimes called “psychic surgery.” (It doesn’t hurt and the client is completely awake and aware of what is happening.)

I may see intrusions in their energy field. I may see stuck emotions, vows, bitter root judgements, limiting beliefs, and other trauma stuck in various parts of their energy body. Using various shamanic or energetic tools, or just what I call my “Reiki fingers” which are long extended tools which I psychically pull out from the tips of my fingers, I am able to “dig out” the blocks and intrusions.

But since I am writing this article to help you uncover some of your own trauma and heal it, I am going to describe to you some things you can do yourself to begin to heal from deep-set wounds, in particular, this wound, which I call “the wound of existence.”

1.      Professional medical assistance. Obviously, first of all, therapy and professional medical advice is always of upmost importance. In no way do I recommend you refuse professional medical assistance. If you believe you are in danger of harming yourself, please seek medical assistance.

2.     Journaling. Sometimes just getting your thoughts down on paper is monumentally helpful. There is a common practice which originated from the highly acclaimed book, The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron, called morning pages, in which you commit to writing three pages in your journal every day. I can’t say I personally write three pages every day. Some days it is one. Some days it is ten. Sometimes I skip several days or even weeks. Life happens. Don’t pressure yourself. However, make your healing and well-being a priority. Write down your thoughts and feelings. See if you can uncover the source of this wound. Sometimes it is easy. You know when it happened, why it happened, and what it is about. But that is not true for everyone.

3.      Meditation. Here is where you can really begin to connect with your soul and determine the location of the wound. Don’t assume this wish is in your heart. Depending on the source of the wound, it could be located anywhere in your body, or even outside of your physical body. Close your eyes. Focus on your breath. Starting above the top of your head, send your awareness down through your body and have a look around with your inner eyes. Notice any dark spots or areas that just don’t feel right. If this wound had a color, or a shape, or a location, where would it be? If you find it, ask your benevolent spirit helpers or your understanding of a higher power, or even your higher self to assist you in neutralizing or removing this intrusion. Some people prefer to start at the base of your spine or even your feet and work up. I happen to like starting at the top of the head and working down. Do what feels good to you.

4.      Try saying this prayer. Before I tell you the prayer, let’s have a little chat about the word “prayer.” Prayer is a word which many associate with a particular faith or religion and conjures up visions of giving away your personal power to a being that is sometimes wonderful, but not always. Your own personal wounds regarding your faith or religion are not necessarily the focus of this particular article, but certainly can be associated with this wound. (I will be sharing a number of articles regarding religious woundings.) So, when I say “prayer,” feel free to substitute another word that feels better to you. You could call it a statement of intent, or a power statement, or a declaration. In essence, you are using your words to release the wound out of your body. Feel free to substitute words or thoughts in this prayer or add or subtract elements to fit your own situation. This could be something you journal about! What would the words of your own power prayer be?

“In the name of the Light (substitute a word that feels good to you here)

I lovingly release the trapped emotions of guilt, shame, anger, grief, abandonment, rejection, loss, and fear (add or subtract specific emotions here)

And the limited belief that I do not have the right to be here alive in this lifetime.

I release the desire to not be alive, any death wish, that I made at any time in this lifetime, or any other lifetime, or any vow made by an ancestor that I did not have the right to be alive. I also release any wishes from others outside of myself that I was not alive (if appropriate.) I release from my ancestors any pattern of wishing not to exist or feeling unworthy of existing.

I release any energy outside of myself that empowers this wish or influences me to feel this way, with love, to the light, with the help of the benevolent spirit helpers.

I declare that I am free.

I am grateful to be alive and determine to live my life with purpose and joy from this day forward.

And so it is.

5.      Call back your life force. After you say the prayer, ask any parts of your life force that has left your body to come back. Ask that they run themselves through a shower of Divine Love and Joy and Healing before reentering your body. When we experience trauma, or feel like we don’t have the right to exist, it is inevitable that we lose portions of our life force. It is important to get it back!

6.      Think of including a ritual to reinforce this healing. In one of my recent cases, I instructed my client to perform three acts of kindness that no one would credit back to her. They had to be completely anonymous. If guilt is not the issue, then this would probably not be appropriate. You may offer a gift to nature of some kind. I like to offer the nature spirits various gifts in thanksgiving for their assistance and benevolence. You might give money to a charity or appropriate organization. Make sure you do not get praise or accolades for the gift. You may want to do some volunteer work or some sort of spiritual ritual. Or perhaps you spend a little time doing something nice for yourself! In some way, reinforce your desire to be alive and to experience joy.

Remember that you don’t have to go through this process alone! Find a healer you trust. It doesn’t have to be me, but if you feel you would benefit from a private session, you can make an appointment to meet with me by Zoom, phone, or in person if you happen to be in my area of the world. I do not charge an exorbitant fee for healing. My fee is the same no matter if I am speaking with your deceased loved ones, answering questions about your life choices, or healing your soul.

Remember that you as a soul chose to come in to this lifetime, to breathe, to laugh, to cry, to watch sunsets, to run barefoot through the grass, to dip your toes in the chilly waters of a mountain creek or a massive ocean. You also understood that life on earth is unpredictable and that you would make mistakes sometimes. We all do. You still have the right to be here.

As do we all.