Confessions of a Recovering Holy Roller

Defining "The Jesus Wound" and some steps towards recovery.

Jesus and I have a complicated, on-again-off-again relationship. For the first thirty-five years, he was my guy. And then things began to turn south.

The Jesus that is most often associated with the Christian faith, that Jesus is barely recognizable from the one who shows up for me these days. The one I talk to nowadays did occasionally show up back in the day, but for the most part, I think my understanding of that guy had shifted so much that the one I know now is nothing more than a distant cousin to the one I knew then.

Having the gift of talking to the spirit world is not always a gift.

Back in those days, I always assumed that the voices that spoke to me were either Jesus or the Holy Spirit, this sort of ill-explained presence who I never really understood completely.

Now that I have expanded my conversations to other Benevolent Spirit Communicators besides Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I find that sometimes summoning Jesus is not as easy as it used to be. Most of the time, I don’t actually “summon” him at all. He is the one who shows up unexpectedly when I am meditating or engaging in my spiritual practice.

However, back in January, Jesus did show up, and together we had agreed to write a book together.

And then, something shifted.

In my last post, I related how I had written five chapters of what I thought was to be my next book which mysteriously disappeared from my computer, as well as any backup files I had created, after I experienced what I define as a “timeline shift.”

For the past fifteen or more years, I have been assisting others in healing wounds of the soul through various alternative healing techniques. I have written a bit here about some various wounds we suffer from a variety of traumas, limiting beliefs, faulty programming, and trapped emotions. In my most recent book, “Sacred Path to Wellness,” I talk about some of the methods I have been using and teaching for many years and explain them, offering exercises for the reader to do in order to begin to find healing and well-being inside themselves, and even add to their own alternative healing practice.

The good news is, I was able to recover the “lost chapters” of what may eventually become a book, if I can convince Jesus to show back up and talk to me! If not, then the chapters may end up being a section of a larger work of deep soul healing work.

What follows is an excerpt from one of the chapters.

Enjoy!

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One of my favorite declarations by Jesus in the Gospels was his mission statement, which he took from a passage in the Old Testament.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor. He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom to the prisoners.”

Luke 4:18 and Isaiah 61:1.

This is the Jesus who came to free those held captive by limited circumstances, faulty beliefs, and wounds in their souls.

Those of us who feel inspired to be of service to others can attest that this is what we want too!

When deciding upon my own personal mission statement, I could not think of a better one than the one Jesus adopted. I did change a couple words to fit with my own demographic.

I changed “the Lord” to “the Source of All That Is.” Nowadays I have shortened that to “The Divine”, or “The Creator of All That Is” or “Source Energy”.

I wanted to take out “he” since I don’t believe the Creator of All happens to be male or female but I could not think of a pronoun that truly fit. Usually when I am delivering messages from Source Energy, I end up saying “we” or “they” a lot.

I still like the word “anointed” but my overall demographic probably doesn’t know what that means. In the Bible, if someone was anointed, it meant that they were chosen for a specific role, much like some sort of assessment certificate declaring that you have an aptitude for a certain line of expertise. I don’t want it to seem like Jesus or God chose me and rejected someone else, but I do believe we all have specific roles to play and certain gifts and abilities which make us stand out from others in a particular field. I am not a brain surgeon, or an athlete, or a scientist, or even a piano player. I am a healer. To me this passage could be reworded in this way:

“The Divine has placed upon me the ability to channel It’s frequency into and through my body, and my voice and even my hands to enhance the well-being of others, to replace their sorrow with joy and free them from things that hold them captive or out of alignment with their highest good.”

Unfortunately, even though my mission statement and the one proclaimed by Jesus are very similar, many devotees of traditional Christianity seem to think that I don’t qualify to heal and some even think I am channeling a malevolent entity they call the devil. Although I can’t imagine any malevolent forces desire to bring healing and well-being to others, I have to believe that Jesus and I want the same things!

My desire to be of service like Jesus and my adoption of his mission statement was actually born when I was in good standing with my Pentecostal brothers and sisters. I would declare his mission statement as a statement of intent many times.

Even though for a time, Jesus and I had some irreconcilable differences, I never renounced my personal mission statement. I think I understood that a person does not have to be a devotee of a particular religion to be a good and kind person and want to be of service to others in some way.

Recently I stood on a narrow street leading up to a community built on the hills in Tinos, Greece.

I had seen this street in a vision months before, where Jesus showed up in my meditations and reminded me of an invitation from him around 25 years before.

Born and raised in a very Evangelical household, I had an understanding of Jesus based on my early upbringing. Until I was around six, my dad pastored a small church in rural Virginia. My uncles on my dad’s side were pastors and leaders in the Assembly of God denomination. Even after my dad retired from pastoral duties due to ongoing health issues, he and my mother were very active in our local Assembly of God church. I embraced the faith fully, unlike my sister, who knew very early on that all was not exactly as it seemed.

I won’t recount the whole story here, since I already told that story in my book, Journey to Joy.

Just before I entered my dark night of the soul, when I began to question my faith, I had a dream.

In my dream, I was standing in line to be baptized. It was a very long line and I was pretty far back in line. Much to my surprise, Jesus showed up standing beside me to my right.

“What are you doing?” he inquired.

“I am standing in line to be baptized.” I never considered why I needed to state the obvious to Jesus. He could see what I was doing.

“Well, you can stay here if you want, but I am going to Greece.”

Jesus turned around and began walking away.

Without hesitation, I got out of line and followed him.

The dream ended.

I spent some time all those years ago contemplating the dream. 

Why Greece?

Did he really want me to go or was the dream symbolic?

Due to my financial challenges at the time, I decided the dream was symbolic. I knew that in the Bible, it was recounted that Paul had difficulty gaining a lot of converts to Christianity in Greece, because they enjoyed learning about and studying new philosophies. Did Jesus want me to branch out of the faith I was born into and study other ways of thinking and believing?

A short time later, I left the church and did that very thing. I began to delve into various religions and belief systems, eventually walking away from Christianity, and the person I knew as Jesus. Eventually, Jesus showed back up, and we spent a few years working on the religious wounds I suffered, and, for the most part, we are good. 

So here it is, 25 years later and Jesus shows up in my meditation, standing on a street that I somehow knew to be Greece. And I had decided that maybe he really did want me to go this time. My financial situation had shifted and I could make it happen.

The day I stood on the street where I had seen Jesus in my meditation, I could barely contain my excitement.

I really thought I would run into him here. Based on my dream and subsequent vision, I really believed he wanted me to come. Now, I didn’t expect him to show up in physical form. But I am a frequent visitor to the spirit realm. We tend to run into each other on occasion.

Every stone on the sidewalk seemed familiar. My whole visit to Greece had seemed like a trip back in time. Surely, I had lived in Greece in some other lifetime, or dimension, and possibly on this very island, which I chose sort of randomly, when I was planning my trip. And here it was. I am standing on the street where I had seen Jesus in my vision.

The village was built on the side of a mountain, lined with narrow streets, winding staircases and white washed buildings. I am not sure where people park their cars since none of the streets seem wide enough for even our tiny rental. We parked near the main road and began the trek up past the one café in the entire community, at least that we could see. It was closed, of course. Greeks live by their own rules and one of them is that time is more of a suggestion than an absolute. After wandering up and down the staircases and narrow sidewalks, I sat down to meditate on one of the white stone walls overlooking the sea down a steep canyon.

If you are unfamiliar with what happens when someone gifted in the spirit world goes into a deep meditation, I often go into an altered state of consciousness and am transported into the world of spirit, which I lovingly call the non-physical world. 

In my meditation, I saw myself in what I felt like was this very town, only thousands of years before, maybe dating back to the time when Jesus lived.

At first the meditation seemed pleasant, but then, suddenly, I was jolted by the sensation of being approached and accosted by soldiers, who drug me out of my beloved community. I made a vow to return one day, but never did, at least in that lifetime.

And now I am here.

I said to the town. “I made it back. I am sorry it took me so long.” And something shifted inside me. I had fulfilled my vow.

My travel companion and I ventured back into our tiny rented car and continued on our journey.

But no Jesus.

I did have a couple of additional spiritual experiences while visiting Greece, but Jesus was noticeably absent. I thought for sure he would show up and tell me why I was really there. I spent time every day meditating and tuning into Spirit, but nothing overly significant happened.

Upon my return home, I noticed some sort of shift. My gifts of healing and inspirational guidance seemed to have enjoyed an upgrade.

A couple of months later, I began to notice that some of my private sessions with clients had some tidbits of metaphors from the Bible. I began to receive guidance that Jesus wanted to work with me a bit more closely than before.

Initially I resisted.

What if I say yes and Jesus is nowhere to be found?

I soon realized the wound of abandonment had been triggered just a little. 

He had invited me to Greece and then he never showed up! (I thought.)

I realized that the experience had triggered within me some old memories of my life and relationship with Jesus from back in what I affectionately call my “good-little-born-again-Christian-girl” years.

From a young child all the way until I left Christianity, I had repeatedly felt abandoned by Jesus.

In the parables of the lost sheep and the lost coin, I identified with the one who Jesus left behind to go find the ones that were lost... since I was never really lost, I thought. 

For eighteen years I prayed for him to fix my (first) marriage. I was really good at hiding the problems or enabling the bad behavior. I really just wanted Jesus to come and fix things so I did not have to address the issues myself. He never did. When I finally realized that no amount of praying was going to compel Jesus to do anything, I took care of it myself.

When I began receiving and delivering messages through the gift of prophecy in the church, I began to receive messages that challenged some of the long-held beliefs and practices of the church and ended up getting me banned from delivering messages. So, Jesus gave me messages that were a bit unpopular and stirred up some controversy. And I was the casualty. It was not lost to me that the same thing happened to Jesus, but at the time, I only felt abandoned.

I realize in hindsight that all of these times where I felt abandoned were actually gifts! 

I was given the gift of self-empowerment! I learned to take responsibility for my own life and make the changes I needed to make. I learned that my needs and happiness were just as important as other people’s needs and that I mattered! And just because a lot of people believe something does not make it true.

After I was asked to stop delivering spiritual messages, Jesus came to me and told me I was his “employee of the month”. He was telling me that no matter what the pastor said, I had his badge of approval! That was very healing for me. However, despite the vote of confidence, without my ability to give spiritual messages, I didn’t know who I was anymore or what my purpose in life was. This catapulted me into a dark spiritual time. I questioned everything I had been programmed to believe.

During my hiatus from Jesus, I was introduced to a lot of other Guides and Spirit Helpers and I was having fun working with them.  

Twenty-something years later, I believe that Jesus and I have worked out our differences for the most part.

I am not sure if I ever thanked Jesus, but I am sure it was him who clued me in on some of the inconsistencies and flaws in the teachings I had believed for so many years, and led me on a path of healing. But facing the possibility of once again working with Jesus on a regular basis had triggered me.

What was I afraid of?

I am reminded of the movie “The Lion King.” (1995 Disney)

Years ago, I used to receive a number of my messages from movies. It still happens on occasion, but back in those days, it was either Bible stories or movies (some of them raised the eyebrows of my fellow church devotees, since movies were considered a gateway into the darkness, and particularly Disney movies, for a variety of reasons.)

The part of this movie I remember was the part where Simba escapes his pride and his murderous uncle and finds happiness far, far away in another community. At some point his friends find him and convince him to come back to the pride with them, to assist them in freeing the pride from the rule of the evil uncle.

I am not saying I am the savior that has been called back to free the church from the evil church leaders, but I will say I am happily enjoying my life far away from all that fear, control and manipulation that I had challenged all those years ago. I am not really interested in going back.

Prior to my book Journey to Joy, I was out running one day, my favorite thing in the world, and Jesus showed up to chat. This happens to me frequently when I am exercising! I guess I get into a very receptive state of awareness because I feel so much joy in those times. Runner’s high is a real thing!

Anyway, Jesus asked me to write a book about my journey through Christianity into the life I now enjoy as a spiritual healer and messenger who is devoid of any particular affiliation. 

I politely declined.

Many times.

Yes, you can say no to Jesus. But he does not give up easily.

Ultimately it took him about two years to convince me and I published the first version of the book in 2014. In 2021 I updated and republished the book into the version that is now available.

And I thought that was it. I did what he asked me to do.

Now, some years later, Jesus has shown up again.

He has asked me to address what he calls The Jesus Wound.

What exactly is the Jesus wound?

The Jesus wound is a term that represents all the wounds we have suffered due to the misconceptions we have or have had at some point in our lives about who Jesus is and what he is about. It is all about the inconsistencies between the Jesus who is all about love, forgiveness, and acceptance, and the Jesus who invites us to take up arms against people who are different from us, and with the help of the church who claims him as their cornerstone, shames us, controls us, steals from us, manipulates us and fills us with guilt and fear if we do not follow all the rules.

The truth is, Jesus and love are synonymous. Any experience we have had or any belief we have had that has equated Jesus with anything besides love is a flawed version of Jesus.

The Jesus wound is not just about those who have been hoodwinked into following a religion based on fear. The Jesus wound is also about those who have been targeted or wounded by those who claim to be representatives of Jesus.

Let us recognize that anything we do that is done from a place of fear or hate or judgment is not Jesus.

As we release the fear, the real Jesus will show himself to you. And he is not about rules, and shame, and judgment.

Love is what Jesus is all about.

Let us delve into the myths, misconceptions and outright manipulation tactics that have raped us of our faith in an all-loving, all-inclusive Divine Presence. Together, let’s heal the wounds of our souls and get back the pieces of us that are lost, missing, or wounded. 

At the end of this journey of healing, maybe you will really know what it means to be born again.

I invite you to say this prayer or statement of intent with me to release you from the burden of the wounds suffered either directly or indirectly as a result of your experience with a flawed version of Jesus or by his representatives, and open you up to a new life filled with love.

“In the name of the Light (or Divine, or whatever word resonates with you for the Source of All That Is,) I hereby release out my mind, emotions, soul, physical body, and throughout all time, space and eternity, the wounds that I have stuck in my soul related to religious programming, inflicted on me by representatives of any particular religion or spiritual belief system, or any experience with a version of Jesus that was not in alignment with the Jesus of Love and Healing.”

Talking about the wounds is not enough to heal them! We have to get in there in our energy body where the wounds are stuck and get them out. These statements set an intention which assists in actually healing these wounds that sometimes just talking about them doesn’t do.

You may want to close your eyes and imagine the inside of your body or energy field which exists around you and within you. If the wound was a shape, what would it look like? If it was lodged in a particular place in your body, where would it be?

Trust your inner knowing. See the wound. Imagine the Benevolent Helpers or even Jesus coming to you and removing the wound out of your body and your soul. Say the prayer of extraction.

Imagine Divine Light, and Love, and Healing coming in as beautiful rays of various colors of light filling the empty space where the wound was lodged. Feel Divine Love and Joy filling your body with Light and Joy and Healing.

If we are shot by a gun and the bullet gets lodged inside our body, most of the time, the first order of business is extracting the bullet.

Let us get inside our souls and extract those bullets! 

Then healing will come more quickly and completely.

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I hope you have enjoyed this excerpt from what may or may not end up becoming a book on healing wounds in the soul. If you have enjoyed this excerpt, let me know!

I find a lot of people who are questioning their faith, do so in secret. That is okay! No judgment here. Even though I have written four books and I am fairly public in sharing my truth, in some circles I still hold my tongue. And that is okay too. We are all in some journey of living our authentic truth moment by moment.

Here is the part where you get the opportunity to support my work, by liking, subscribing, and sharing.

We are living in a time of a great spiritual awakening. Those who have been lying to us are being faced with truth. Many of the lies have been believed for thousands of years, so it is not even really anyone’s fault, unless they know they are lying. When enough of us begin to wake up to the understanding that we are more than what we once thought, that we are the Divine having a human experience, that we are not separate from God in need of a savior, then we will begin to realize that Jesus was not who we thought he was. He was trying to teach us how to love. He was trying to tell us that we are not separate at all.

We are all one. Love is all there is.